


That Someone Isn't Me

by Nordyr



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Clarke is a huge flirt, Costia is dead and Lexa never got over her, Drunk Lexa, F/F, I Don't Even Know, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, It gets sort of fluffy, Please Don't Hate Me, Sad Lexa, and Lexa tries to ignore her feelings, but wait
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:50:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9383708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nordyr/pseuds/Nordyr
Summary: Basically Clarke finds Lexa at the pub. And Lexa is messed up and sort of drunk and not Clarke's girlfriend (which only makes this situation worse).





	1. Drowning It Out

The pub was busy and I tried to pretend I didn’t notice all the pretty faces that passed me by. They’re blonde, they’re brown, and I ignored the feeling that rushed through my stomach because they’re _definitely_ not Costia. She’s gone anyway. I don’t know why I keep comparing others to her.

There was a girl with blonde hair and I tried to tell my mind to _ignore_ her, but then she was sitting right next to me, and I was too drunk to tell if she had been drinking as well. I looked up from my beer once, caught her gaze and immediately turned back to the guy behind the bar.

“Jasper,” I told him, “hit me up.” He brought me another beer, another shot and another full glass of liquor until I could stop thinking about the guy that took the seat between me and the girl who glanced at me for only a second. 

 

 

Clarke came up behind me unexpectedly.

Although Anya had said she’d be there and Octavia had insinuated her presence whenever Lincoln was present, I hadn’t dared to hope of Clarke being there. She stood next to my barstool, and I breathed in heavily when the unimistakable flash of blonde appeared. And yet it wasn’t the color of her hair that deflated my lungs; it were her eyes when she looked at me and I knew that she was indeed here, standing next to me in this pub while I was awkwardly tipsy.

 

“Hey, you,” she said, smiling, and I immediately responded with “Hey,” while trying not to choke on my beer, because I had the feeling she greeted everyone that way. 

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” she continued, and I nodded whilst averting my gaze to the bartender who was fetching Clarke's drink.

“Yeah, I haven’t been out for a while,” I responded, one side of my mouth lifting up as the other side stayed under my control and didn’t move an inch. “Nice to see you again, though.”

She nodded, a smile on her face that I suspected would stay there for the rest of the evening until some random stranger would kiss it away.

Some random stranger, drunk or stoned in the heat of a club where she would be dancing the rest of her night away. 

Some random stranger, who she would allow to talk to her when I wouldn’t be there to scare away all the old and creepy, the clingy and unwanted. Scare away everyone, but me.

Not tonight.

Tonight, she would dance and drink and kiss until someone’s lips melted into the drink she was consuming, only pretending to care until tomorrow morning.

 

She mumbled a question about how my day was, and I answered truthfully that it was as terrible as it could’ve been. 

Her hand found its way to my cheek, cupping it and stroking my jaw, and I convinced myself that it was the alcohol in my system that made this feel so incredibly _intimate_. My eyes glanced at her lips for the shortest moment, soft and plump, until they found her eyes again, which were simply watching mine and I looked away immediately. 

The balls on the pool table resounded soundly as someone hit them with just a tad too much force, and the next moment her touch was gone.

“Well, I’m gonna sit with them, okay?” she said, motioning towards the group in the smokers area. 

I nodded, once again taking in the group of perfectly muscled young men, and pretty, young girls that she called her friends and I called my colleagues. A few unknown, random pub visitors sat with them, laughing along to their jokes and sharing their own stories. 

Someone would take Clarke home tonight, someone would kiss her fears away and tell her she was beautiful.

She smiled once again, squeezing my arm as she walked off and opened the door to the smokers area.

The next moment she was gone, and I turned away towards my beer that was resting on the bar. Jasper wiped a cloth along the counter and I told him to bring me something strong.

 

And I chugged my drink, the last ten swallows, all for her.

Because I would go home.

And I would never be that someone.

 

* * *

 

Somehow, her presence had caused me enough distraction to miss my bus. I cursed out loud into the night, my breath sending a white cloud through the cold air, even though I walked back to the pub without much hesitation. I convinced myself it would be the logical thing to do - who would wait in the cold for half an hour when there’s a nice, warm pub waiting for you only two blocks away?

 

The bar was filled, every seat taken, and Octavia bumped into me as I made my way through the crowded area. 

“Lexa!” she almost shouted, and I couldn’t blame her because the music was quite loud and she had obviously been drinking. “Come sit with us!”

She pushed a beer into my hand and I reluctantly followed her as she pushed open the door to the smokers area. I hesitated at the entrance, shaking my head to get rid of the thought that the smell would seep into my clothes.

After all, Clarke was sitting right there. 

 

Raven inched closer on the couch to Bellamy and I smiled half-heartedly as I took a seat next to them. I chugged my beer in four minutes, catching as little of their conversations as possible. I convinced myself it wouldn’t matter - they wouldn’t speak of it to me again anyway.

Clarke hadn’t said a word yet and I felt relieved. I finished my drink in a few large swallows, placing it on the table. 

“I’ve gotta go,” I said rather quietly, only meaning for it to reach Octavia’s ears as a notification after she bought me the beer, but instead receiving goodbyes from everyone around the table. I nodded and stood up, hearing a “bye, love you,” somewhere in between the mess of slurred goodbyes from the young adults around the table. 

My jaw tensed halfway in mid-air, and I nodded, eyes still focused on the exit, even though it was more of an attempt to shake myself from whatever odd dream I was caught in.

Clarke must’ve said that before; it sounded familiar on her tongue and it must be something she said to every one of her friends after a night of good drinking.

And still, I found my stomach flipping and my head clouded.

Because I’m fairly sure she hadn’t said it like _that_ to me before.

 

I pushed through the door, and sure enough, Costia’s sister was standing there.

“Hey, Lex,” she said excitedly, eyes wide, and I smelled the sweet scent of liquor on her breath. 

“Hi,” I replied, somewhere between genuine happiness and a painful realization. Her friends shared similar smiles and I recognized their faces, but couldn’t recall their names.

"Will you join us for a drink?" she asked and it sounded forced but no one seemed to notice.

“No, I was just leaving actually," I replied, giving them a half-hearted smile. "It was good seeing you again, though."

Her arm rested on the crook of my elbow as I moved past her.

“I could leave with you.” Her voice was low and I assumed she must've noticed the hollowness in my eyes.

Something in my stomach flipped at the way she said _‘with you’_ as it sounded painfully familiar, and I stole a glance towards the dimly lit smokers area. Clarke’s smile was still in place, without me being there, and I tugged on the hand of the dark-haired girl beside me.

 

* * *

 

I gave up on the idea of taking the bus and instead we took a cab back to my house, and it was silent. I wondered if this would be considered an awkward silence, but I glanced at the vaguely familiar girl beside me and realized it wasn’t. 

We were a mere connection to whatever was lost and there was no longing for social interaction at all.

I fumbled my phone out of my pocket. My vision was hazy and I blinked multiple times in an attempt to clear my view of the touch screen, silently wondering if the brunette next to me would notice, or if she would even care.

I huffed. _Bye, love you_ , it repeated over in my head. She didn't know, did she? Did she?

 

**Clarke**

**Wednesday**

Are you doing this on purpose? **\- 23:37**

**23:37 Clarke:** Huh what?

Nothing. Never mind, sorry. Have a good time tonight. **\- 23:47**

**23:48 Clarke:** If I did anything to upset you, please let me know.

No it’s ok, just go drink and have fun with some stranger. **\- 23:51**

I mean it’s okay don’t worry about it. **\- 23:54**

**23:56 Clarke:** Lexa. I’ll never not worry. I don’t get it, but I don’t think I will so I’ll just leave it. Just be okay yeah?

 

I reread my own last text message and cursed at myself for the lack of commas, never responding to Clarke’s last message because I wasn’t sure if that ‘yeah?’ was actually meant as a question, or if Clarke had already forgotten about it as she danced with some good-looking stranger at a random nearby club.

 

 

I took Costia’s sister home with me that night, and tried not to let Clarke’s name tumble off my lips when my broken heart shattered just a little bit more.

 


	2. That Someone Isn't You

I woke to the sight of long, dark hair falling over her bare back as she stood to pull on her clothes. It swayed with her movement and unintentionally I was flooded with every memory of every morning that I had awoken to the same color of hair sprawled over my face, over my chest, and Costia innocently sleeping next to me. 

She looked around on the floor for her shirt and I caught a glimpse of the side of her face. I gripped the covers and turned over, because she might be the closest thing to the girl I loved, but she _wasn’t_ her. 

I kept my eyes open, staring at the grey wall across from me, afraid that the face of my dead lover would appear if I closed them for even the shortest moment.

I felt the girl kneel behind me on the bed, leaning forward to press a kiss to my cheek. Her voice was soft and I knew she understood.

“I miss her too.”

I didn’t bother to move as the bedroom door closed and then the front door closed, and then she was gone.

 

 

My phone buzzed and I glanced at the screen to see a new message from Anya. Something about work and a subtle but sincere inquiry about my wellbeing. I ignored it.

Last night’s messages were all neatly sorted by time, and I only scanned my eyes over them briefly. Rereading them wouldn’t change the fact that they had been sent. So I ignored those as well.

 

* * *

 

A day later, Clarke was perched on Octavia’s desk, eyes bright as she listened to the story that was being told with fierce gestures. Her eyes glanced up, caught mine, and a careful smile appeared on her lips.

My jaw clenched as I nodded my head, keeping the corners of my mouth from moving upwards like they wanted to whenever I saw her. I moved towards my office, but her hand was on my arm before I could reach the door.

“Hey,” she said, and her voice was as low as I remembered it being, and it was everything I didn’t want to hear right now.

“Hi. Shouldn’t you be at work?” I asked her, because I hadn't expected to find her here and I immediately cursed at myself for sounding rude.

One of her shoulders moved as she shrugged, leaning her head sideways. “It’s my day off, so I figured I might as well annoy Octavia with my company.”

I nodded, taking a step closer to my office door, a desperate tremble in my throat that made me want to hide inside the four walls and get away from this conversation. 

Once again, her hand on my arm stopped me as she held on a little tighter. I caught her eyes and forgot how to breathe.

“We’re actually going out tonight. Feel like joining?”

I opened my mouth to give a proper answer, but my voice hesitated a few syllables before I said I’d think about it.

 

* * *

 

I wasn’t planning on going, but Anya dragged me with her anyway. Said it’d be good for me. I shook my head (because it obviously _wasn’t_ ) but the taxi doors opened and the next moment we were inside a club. The music played loud, too loud for my liking, but it drowned out every thought that could form and I realized it might not be such a bad thing.

Anya found Bellamy and Raven at the bar and threw our coats onto the nearby pile of possessions. Three shots later, I was in the middle of a couple dozen bodies pressed onto the dance floor, leaving the deep bass of the music to guide my movements. 

There were flashes of color, brushes of stranger’s clothes against my bare arms, flickering eyes against the beams of light in the suffocating heat of the club. I felt empty and I told myself to appreciate it, because there was no room for any pain right now.

 

Raven pressed another shot glass into my hand and I downed it without thinking twice. Hands came up behind me, circling around my waist and resting on my hips as warm breath flowed against my ear.

“Hey. You came,” a familiar voice said and I turned my head towards her in an attempt to get the dangerous sensation off my neck. It was a mistake, because it only accentuated the closeness between our faces and Clarke didn’t turn away. 

“I did,” I said, and it probably wasn’t loud enough to be heard over the music, but Clarke smiled and I didn’t dare move an inch. She leaned closer again and I kept my head from turning, merely following her movement with my eyes.

“You’re quite the dancer, you know that?” she said into my ear, and I felt heat rushing to my face. I was still working on a proper reaction when her hands left my sides and she moved towards another group of people that I recognized as her co-workers. 

 

I moved to sit at the bar, listening in on the conversations of those that preferred watching over participating. The crowd had grown, the movements were blurrier and the occasional burst of laughter barely stood out anymore.

My eyes found Clarke talking to a dark-haired young man, and her hand rested on his arm as she laughed at something he said in her ear. My stomach clenched and I wondered if this was just what she did with everyone - if her arms around my waist and her breath against my ear couldn’t be considered flirting if she treated everyone like that.

 

* * *

 

I followed Anya outside as she went for a smoke, breathing in the cool night air that immediately seemed to sober me up a little.

“You okay?” she asked in between drags of the cigarette.

I nodded. “I’m fine.”

Her eyes narrowed as she studied my face. “I saw you leave with someone familiar the other night,” Anya said, trying to draw out a reaction. I didn’t respond aside from a barely visible shrug as my eyes followed the swaying movement of some students that walked by.

“If you’re looking for a distraction, it’s not gonna help that she’s her sister.”

“I’m not looking for a distraction,” I responded, my jaw tensing. 

“What is it then? A reminder? How is that going to make it any easier to let Costia go?”

I turned to face her, my eyes locking on hers in anger, because she was overstepping and the fact that we both had been drinking didn’t mean she could speak of these things more freely.

“I don’t want to talk about this with you.”

“No, you don’t want to talk about this with anyone. You just go and fuck your feelings away until you convince yourself that you’re not worthy of ever loving someone again.”

My breath froze in my throat, and it was painful. 

“Fuck you,” I breathed, and pushed back in through the door of the club, leaving her to stand outside alone. 

 

* * *

 

I leaned against the wall, eyes hard as I scanned over the dancing crowd. I caught sight of blonde hair on the opposite side of the club, still standing with the same floppy haired guy and I tried my hardest to avoid looking at them. 

I tore my gaze away from them and instead, my eyes stayed glued to a girl who was dancing not too far from me. She was pretty and looked more innocent than any of the others who glanced my way. She moved closer, saying something about how I looked tense and my jaw clenched because it was sheer hurt as I saw the boy lean closer to Clarke in the corner of my eye.

I held the girl’s gaze as she stepped forward and I wondered if she could see it; if she knew what I was feeling by the look in my eyes like Clarke always seemed to. 

Her hand came up to my cheek, stroking a finger down the tensed muscle of my jaw and running her thumb along the curve beneath my lower lip. She moved closer, glancing down at my lips while parting hers and back up to my eyes while ducking her head downwards.

It was meaningless, it was stupid and yet I let her. She tasted of sweet liquor and her lips were unexpectedly harsh against mine, aggressively pushing and pulling and it was exactly what I needed to relieve the tension in my chest. 

And maybe Anya had been right- maybe I _was_ looking for a distraction. 

Her mouth moved down to my neck and when I opened my eyes to see Clarke’s lips connected to the boy’s, I only wished that it were hers against my skin instead.

My hands gripped the girl’s sides and I turned us around, pushing her into the wall so I wouldn’t have to see how some pathetic looking teenage boy took what I couldn’t have. Her tongue was warm against mine, and it was different from how Costia had felt in my mouth. There was no affection here, and I wondered if kissing Clarke would make this something more than a relief for frustration again.

I could swear I felt her blue gaze on my back, but I wasn’t going to turn around and check if I sensed it correctly. The girl’s hands pushed into my lower back, keeping me pressed against her until I eventually pulled back to catch my breath. She leaned in to softly nibble on my lower lip, and I ran my hands down her arms, distancing myself in the process. 

“I have to go,” I said huskily, and I didn’t give her the chance to reply before I walked towards the club’s exit. I stole a quick glance to the opposite wall, but Clarke and her friend were nowhere in sight and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the answer when I wondered if she had gone home with him. I felt Anya’s gaze on me as I pushed my way outside.

My eyes watered as I walked through the dark, away from the loud sounds of a Friday night, but I rubbed my thumb and finger over my closed eyelids and it wiped away whatever didn’t have the chance to fall yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, just to clear some stuff up:
> 
> Costia is dead. Lexa hasn't gotten over her and she slept with Costia's sister because, yes, Lexa _is_ a mess. The girl is a connection to what she lost.
> 
> As for her feelings towards Clarke: yeah, Lexa _does_ have feelings for her. However, as Anya mentions, Lexa doesn't really allow herself to love anymore after Costia passed away. Besides that, Clarke is a huge flirt when she's been drinking, and this only makes it harder for Lexa to be around her because she doesn't believe Clarke has _actual_ feelings for her besides them being generally good friends. In this case, Lexa distracts herself from the stuff she doesn't want to face (including her feelings for Clarke) by making out with a random girl. 
> 
> Why do they have to be so problematic? I swear my heart is breaking along with yours.


	3. I Didn't Know

“Lexa.” Her voice sounded light, even though it always had a certain hoarseness to it that made everything she said sound more significant. Even my name.

I pushed myself off the brick wall of the club’s building, hoping that the streetlight above us didn’t show the slight redness around my eyes. 

“Hey. I thought you’d gone home,” Clarke said as she tried to push her phone back into the pocket of her jeans. “What are you doing out here?” 

She walked closer until she was standing a few feet away from me and I repeated the question in my head, wondering what I _was_ doing here and why I preferred standing out here over going home to the apartment that I had locked myself up in not too long ago. 

I shrugged, mumbled something about needing some fresh air. _Shouldn’t you be inside with lover boy?_ The words formed in my mind and I congratulated myself on not having that extra drink that would’ve made me say them out loud. 

Taking a deep breath of the night air, I wondered why my drunk self seemed to be so intent on being rude to Clarke lately. She hadn’t done anything wrong and had only been nice to me ever since Octavia lamely introduced us at a party at Raven’s house. 

Clarke had been a good friend and I had never been bothered by her outgoing nature before. She couldn’t be blamed for the fact that lately my chest tingled uncomfortably whenever she was near or that I suddenly felt unjustifiably jealous when she made out with a random stranger.

She couldn’t be blamed because she owed me nothing, and the fact that I was too lame to tell her of my feelings and instead tried to shut her out - well, she couldn’t be blamed for that, either.

“I was actually wondering if you had seen Octavia,” she said, brow furrowing. “I was supposed to ride home with her.”

“No, haven’t seen her. I think she might’ve left with Lincoln already,” I answered as I recalled seeing them together earlier that evening, and Clarke rolled her eyes at the likely explanation, because she knew Octavia well enough to know that that _did_ sound like something she’d do. 

“Great,” she mumbled to herself and I wondered if she would go back inside to see if there was anyone else she could go home with, but instead she didn’t move.

“Hey. Have you been doing okay?” she suddenly asked, brow slightly furrowed as she turned to search my face carefully.

“What do you mean?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seemed like you’ve been having a rough time lately. I thought it would pass, but you don’t really seem to be doing much better.”

Her head was slightly tilted sideways as she inspected my eyes with a frown. 

“I’m fine.” The words sounded hollow and I felt the emptiness in my chest. Her hand came up to the side of my face, gently pulling my chin to face her, and one corner of her mouth lifted into a sad smile. I closed my eyes for the shortest moment, because this was the comfort she had always given me as a friend - undemanding and with the smallest gestures, as if she understood that I longed for it even if I never told her why.

She shook her head. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. But don’t lie to me - you’re not fine. I can still read your eyes, you know. I haven’t lost that.” 

I huffed out a breath, something close to a laugh. A soft breeze passed by us and she rubbed her hands down her arms in an attempt to warm them from the cold air.

“Do you want to go back inside?” I asked, and she shook her head. 

“Not really,” she said. “It’s getting late. I was actually just hoping to go home,” she answered, and I felt a slight frown creep onto my face, because this wasn’t the Clarke that had been flirting with every stranger or stood laughing with the boy earlier. But then again, I was hardly the Lexa that had been French kissing with a random girl only fifteen minutes ago. 

And I wondered why the heat of a club and a bunch of horny strangers made both of us act so differently.

 

* * *

 

Ten minutes later I sat with her in the backseat of a cab after convincing her that I had enough cash on me to pay for both our rides. She stared out the window and I stayed quiet as well, both pretending that we hadn’t just been making out furiously with people we didn’t care about on separate sides of the same club. And especially pretending that we hadn’t noticed the other.

Or maybe she hadn’t even noticed me, and I was the only one here pretending anything at all.

“What did you mean the other night when you said not to worry about it?” she asked without averting her gaze from the window so that her voice bounced back against the glass. 

I turned my head to look at her. “What?”

“You texted me. Said I should go have fun with someone and told me not to worry about it.” My stomach clenched in shame as she repeated the words. She turned her head, meeting my eyes. “Why did you say that?”

“I was drunk,” I huffed, looking away from the streetlights that reflected in her eyes as we drove past them.

“I know. But what did you mean?”

“Nothing,” I answered, and kicked myself as the cowardice once again set into my chest.

She studied the side of my face for a moment and sighed audibly. My heart cracked at the sound, because I knew that at some point she would run out of patience with me and would probably give up on trying.

And that would be for the best, I told myself.

“Lexa, cut the bullshit. You can talk to me. If I did anything to upset you, just tell me.”

“It’s nothing,” I repeated. “I just haven’t been feeling very well lately. I’m sorry that I took it out on you that night.” I glanced at her, surprised by how smoothly those words came out of my mouth. They weren’t a complete lie, but I hated how vulnerable they made me sound. “Just forget about it, okay?”

She was quiet for a while, her eyes still roaming over the side of my face. “Okay,” she mumbled. 

The cab pulled up to the sidewalk.

“Thank you for the ride.” She squeezed my hand and I tried my hardest not to move my fingers and intertwine them with hers. “And like I said, you can talk to me, okay?”

I gave her a forced smile, and waited until she entered her apartment before paying the taxi driver and walking the last ten blocks down to my place. 

 

_Oh, by the way, my girlfriend died in an accident about four months ago. Remember that party at Raven’s? Yeah, like two weeks later._

_But I’m fine, really._

 

* * *

 

**Raven**

**Friday**

**23:52 Raven:** hey do u know where clarke is? she’s not picking up her phone and i haven’t seen her in a while. O was supposed to take her home but she went with Linc

We left a little while ago. I took her home, she’s fine. **\- 23:54**

**23:57 Raven:** oh ok

 

 

**Anya**

**Saturday**

**00:12 Anya:** Lexa

**00:12 Anya:** What do you mean you took Clarke home?

What do you think I mean? **\- 00:13**

**00:13 Anya:** Don’t.

I meant we took a cab and I dropped her off at home. **\- 00:15**

Jesus. **\- 00:15**

 

* * *

 

I lied in a cold, empty bed and felt guilt. 

I felt guilt for letting Costia go that night, for not kissing her just one minute longer, for not arriving at the hospital soon enough to tell her that I loved her before she took her last breath.

It was a familiar feeling.

And now it was accompanied by the guilt that I had been feeling for the past month whenever my mind drifted to Clarke, the guilt I felt when her blue eyes made me forget to breathe, or when her jokingly affectionate words made me feel just a little bit warmer than they used to.

And I wasn’t sure towards _who_ I was feeling guilty. Perhaps I felt guilty towards Costia, who had loved me so dearly and had died with my heart in her hands, my heart that was still stained with her blood and just four months after her death, was beating faster for a blonde girl.

Or perhaps I felt guilty towards Clarke. Clarke, who had been my friend for almost half a year, who’s excessive flirting on a night out had never bothered me before, who I had been keeping at a distance for the past month in an attempt to make it easier for myself when it suddenly _did_ bother me. 

_You can’t cheat on someone who’s dead,_ the first one to distract me after Costia’s death had whispered in my ear. And I figured that as long as my heart stayed out of everything, it couldn’t break again.

But it didn’t heal either.

I turned onto my side and closed my eyes. 

 

* * *

 

“I didn’t know.”

“What?” 

Clarke stood in my doorway two days later, a serious expression on her face and I was going through all the things she didn’t know that could possibly be the cause of it.

“Why did you never tell me about Costia?”


	4. Assumptions

Something nervous flipped in my stomach and I felt a rush of anxiety creep over my neck, all the way to my ears.

“Why _would_ I have told you about Costia?”

She looked at me, mouth slightly open and some sort of frown on her face - I figured it was something in between concern and indignation. 

“I don’t know - because I’m your friend and you’re supposed to tell me when something happens that has a huge impact on you?”

I shrugged and didn’t stop her when she stepped inside. “I just don’t really want to talk about it,” I said and moved to the kitchen. 

“Is this why you’ve been acting so distant lately? Because you’re so set on grieving on your own?”

“You should leave,” I said quietly, because I _was_ set on grieving on my own - that’s why I hadn’t spoken of it to anyone but Anya. Well, technically, she spoke to me about it since she was the only one who had known Costia personally.

 

I’m sure Anya had told the group once or twice that I was dealing with a loss as a vague explanation when they didn’t see me for two months. But I had never been one to share much about my personal life, and so they hadn’t asked anything when they found me drunk at the bar one evening. Instead Octavia had given me the familiar, suffocating hug while Raven had elbowed me in the side with a smirk, and I appreciated it because that’s all I wanted from them. 

Clarke, on the other hand, had looked at me with the softest blue eyes and I wondered why I didn’t seem to mind how much they comforted me. But only half an hour later she had been happily dancing with a smile on her face, and I realized I didn’t have the right to long for her hand on my cheek or her gentle words in my ear when she had come to the bar to have a fun night out.

 

Clarke tried again. “Lexa, I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this alone.” Her voice was low as it echoed through my kitchen on the cold Sunday morning. “If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. But I wish you would’ve told me about it.”

She tried to reach out for my arm, but I moved away. My jaw was tense as I kept my eyes on the floor, forcing myself not to give in to her touch this time. My chest hurt and I felt too vulnerable to be sure that letting her comfort me right now would not just make me cling to her in desperation and break my heart later.

“Okay, well. I have to go. You know where to find me,” she added quietly and the next moment she had left through my front door.

 

* * *

 

**Anya**

**Sunday**

fuck you **\- 11:08**

 **11:22 Anya:** Really? 

**11:25 Anya:** It doesn’t surprise you that your friend asked me what was wrong when you’ve been acting like shit for the past month? Yeah Lex, I told her. And to be honest I have no fucking clue why they didn’t know yet.

 

 

I hadn’t told Clarke about Costia. Raven and Octavia were more or less aware of the fact that I had been seeing someone (although I never mentioned that she died instead of the casual break-up that they probably figured) but I had only known Clarke for a short time while Costia and I were together and it just hadn’t come up. There had never been any reason to mention it. Not before her death, and certainly not after. 

And I wondered why I had expected her to treat me like she did know about Costia.

Or about my feelings for her.

 

* * *

 

I didn’t go to work the next week. I spent most of the days in bed under the covers that I had once shared with Costia and lately with half a dozen others.

But I became restless and the days turned out to be just as lonely and quiet as the nights.

 

I turned off the TV one evening and threw my empty glass at the picture of a smiling Costia that stood on the mantelpiece. The picture frame fell broken to the floor and the glass shattered across the room. I didn’t pick it up and the next day I couldn’t remember what her smile looked like.

 

* * *

 

The bed was cold and the ache in my chest constant. Sleep didn’t find me, except for the weird dreams that bordered on awakening and were filled with disturbing images. The scratch marks on my back from a couple nights before were still raw and no matter how badly I wished to be distracted from the pain in my chest, I felt nothing for the idea of meaningless sex that night. 

 

It was late when I knocked on Clarke’s door. I didn’t remember how I came there or what I was doing until she opened the door. 

Her eyes were blue and surprised, and I wasn’t quite sure what to say. 

Bellamy’s face appeared behind her in the hallway and I felt sick to my stomach. I turned to walk away, but Clarke’s hand found my wrist. 

“Claaaaarke, it’s your turn,” Octavia’s voice broke through, and my shoulders relaxed. I glanced back at the doorway, and sure enough Bellamy’s sister pushed herself through the hallway.

“Oh. Hey, Lexa,” she said and I felt shame press into my cheeks at how I didn’t go to work for a week, but did show up at her friend’s house at close to midnight. “You know what Bell, it’s getting late anyway. We should probably go home.” She gave me a smile and pecked Clarke on the cheek before dragging her brother out into the night air.

Clarke’s eyes roamed over my face and her voice was gentle compared to that of the girl that had just left. 

“Hey," she said, as if she only now had the chance to greet me properly. "Come on in.” She moved aside from the doorway to make room for me and I stepped inside. 

I followed her into the living room where the Blake sibling’s beer bottles still stood on the table. 

“Do you want something to drink?” she asked and I shook my head. I absentmindedly glanced around the room, eventually setting my eyes on the floor not too far away from her.

“So what’s up?” she asked quietly, head slightly tilted sideways.

“Nothing,” I answered on instinct. Her brow furrowed in doubt.

"I think we both know that's a lie."

I swallowed once before vocalizing the only words that I managed to form in my mind.

“I didn’t want to be alone.”

My jaw clenched as soon as the words left my mouth, and I nervously awaited her response. But she merely blinked slowly in understanding and nodded, and I didn’t stop her when her arms circled around my neck and pulled me in for a hug. I tensed at the unfamiliar feeling, because this was _different_ from the random, friendly hugs I had received every now and then, but then I realized how safe it felt and melted into her arms. My head fell forwards onto her shoulder and the ache in my chest only increased to the point of bringing tears to my eyes as if it hadn’t fully shown itself yet until now; now that I finally allowed it to be there.

“The house is empty,” I whispered hoarsely and one of her hands came up to the side of my face, pressing against my tensed jaw, keeping me in her hold, and I knew she understood.

I took a deep breath and tried to swallow down the feeling of vulnerability.

“Can I-” To my annoyance, my voice broke and I started over. “Can I stay here tonight?” 

“Of course.” 

I nodded and sat down on her couch, but she took my hand and pulled me back up.

“No, come on.”

 

The last place I had expected to end up in was Clarke’s bed. It wasn’t exactly the way I might have imagined it to be, but her arms were around me as I tried to take steady breaths against the occasional sobs and I couldn’t even think of anything more right now. It felt weird to show pain in her presence and I had never grieved like that in front of another, but something about the way she was looking at me made me trust her.

She wiped away every tear that managed to roll out of my eyes, stroked the side of my cheek until my eyes grew heavy.

Her bed was warm and her hands soft, and I realized this was not a distraction, not a reminder. It was comfort and I felt loved.

 

* * *

 

Days later at work, Anya dropped a stack of papers on my desk, louder than necessary. She stared at me challengingly, but I merely nodded at her in thanks for bringing me more paperwork to catch up on and stayed silent.

 

Around lunchtime, she followed me outside. I leaned my arms on the balcony railing, looking out over the grey buildings and remembering how much prettier the city had looked on the nights that I had stood here with Costia when I stayed to work late. Anya’s arm came up over my shoulders, her hand briefly ruffling through my hair in a rare affectionate moment.

She mirrored my position, leaning forward against the balcony railing. For a while she stood next to me quietly, listening to the blurred sounds of car engines and the occasional distant police siren.

“I bought new bed sheets,” I told her. 

She raised an eyebrow and said, “Good for you.”

(I didn’t tell her I put the old ones in my closet, with the thought that I’m not sure how to do justice to Costia if I were to completely throw them away.)

“Come on,” she said. “We’re going out for coffee.” 

 

 

Raven was caught up in some sort of discussion with Anya about which country would be the best choice for a vacation when Clarke brought us our coffees. 

“You guys want anything else? There’s still one chocolate chip muffin left…”

Octavia nodded her head furiously and I watched Clarke walk back behind the counter to sneak out the muffin when her co-workers weren’t watching. She tossed it to Octavia when she took a seat next to us around the table, and I took a sip of my water. 

 

Five minutes later, I had downed my espresso and was listening to Octavia’s story about how Bellamy and Lincoln were finally getting along. “But seriously, I feel like their bromance is gonna cost me my romance.” 

The slightest sound of a huffed out breath left my mouth, and I realized it was the closest I had come to a laugh in months.

 

“Clarke.”

A girl with high cheek bones and long, dark blonde hair passed by our table and stopped at Clarke’s side with something of a surprised expression. Clarke looked up at the girl and I noticed how her jaw clenched. 

“Niylah,” she replied, her voice much less excited than the other girl’s had been. 

The girl completely ignored the hostile look Raven seemed to be sending her, instead keeping her eyes firmly on Clarke. 

“How have you been?” the girl asked her, and I wondered what was different about her that caused Clarke not to be her usual overly friendly self. 

Her jaw was still tense and some sort of forced smile appeared on Clarke’s face as she turned back to the group around the table.

“I should get back to work, I’ll see you guys later,” Clarke said, and didn’t spare another glance at the girl standing beside the table as she stood up and walked to the counter where she mechanically started sorting coffee cups. 

When my eyes tore away from Clarke to the spot where the unknown girl had been standing, she was already walking out the door, apparently abandoning the idea of getting her coffee here.

 

“Can I ask?” I said quietly, sensing the tension that still hung around. 

“Her ex,” Octavia replied, sounding strangely alarming without the usual excitement in her voice.

And I thought, oh. OH.

Whenever we went out, I noticed every finger she laid on a strange guy’s arm, so how did I miss the seduction eyes she had been giving some girls? (It was because I had been too self-absorbed, I realized later.)

“She left Clarke for some random girl that walked into her store one day. Clarke came home from her dad’s funeral to find them fucking on the couch,” Raven added, half mumbling.

And I mentally slapped myself a thousand times, because maybe Clarke and I weren’t so different from each other after all.


	5. Act on Impulse

“Clarke.” She had her back turned to me as her hands still busied themselves with empty coffee cups. “Are you okay?”

She nodded, still only facing me sideways and keeping her eyes glued to what she was doing. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

My hands fiddled with the napkin holder on the counter, quietly awaiting if she would share anything more or whether I should just go back to the group at the table.

She sighed audibly and I wasn’t sure if it was because of what she was feeling or because of my presence.

“She just reminds me of a lot of things that I’ve been trying to forget.” Clarke finally turned to give me what was a poor attempt at a reassuring smile. “Look, I really do need to get back to work. But I’ll see you guys tonight, yeah?” 

 

* * *

 

I did see her that evening. She joined us at our table in the pub and her eyes were empty although she laughed just as hard at every lame joke that was made. 

 

As usual, we made our way to a nearby club later that night. She joined me at the bar, ordered another drink and bit her lip as she inspected my face.

“You wanna dance?” she asked me, ignoring the bartender that placed her drink in front of her.

I shook my head, eyeing the blurred mass of people on the dance area. “Not really.”

She pouted in disappointment and took my hand. “Come on, please?”

Before I had agreed to it, she was already pulling me with her and I gave in. She smiled brightly and her movements were looser than mine - probably owing to the fact that I was still close to sober and she wasn’t.

The bass drummed in my ears and the lights flashed over her golden hair. She chuckled as someone on the side bumped into her, pushing them back up again and waving off their apology. She moved closer to me, probably using the crowd around us as an excuse to do so, until I felt the occasional brush of her hips against mine and our torsos gently pressed together. 

My chest constricted.

She smiled and I suddenly felt my face flush red. I wondered if she would find someone else if I were to leave now; if her movements against me were only meant to make Niylah jealous in case she were to show up. 

I wondered if her stomach ever flipped the way mine did when I saw her, if she would ever stand this close to me while sober, if I was the sort of distraction that I had taken for myself many times.

Or maybe all of that was bullshit, and she was just a friend who was dancing with me.

And maybe I was reading too much into everything to the point that it clouded my head.

So like a coward, it didn’t take long before I pulled back and told her I had to go.

Because if she wanted me to be her friend, I wasn’t sure I could live up to that if I were to keep dancing with her like that. 

 

* * *

 

A few days later at work, Octavia casually mentioned that Clarke got wasted enough that night that she had to be taken home by her friends. 

And I wasn’t sure if I felt relieved to have missed her possible drunken flirtations, or guilty that I wasn’t there to take her home when she needed it.

 

* * *

 

A week later, I was told we were having a game night at the Blake house instead of our usual night out. I frowned at the notion, but then realized it wasn’t such a bad idea. 

 

Bellamy opened the door and I found the others already caught in a game of Mario Kart, cursing loudly as they drove off Rainbow Road. Drinks were placed on the kitchen counter, and I poured myself a coke.

“Hey,” Clarke greeted me as I sat down on the other couch. 

I smiled at her and Octavia’s voice suddenly shouted to get Clarke’s attention back to the game. 

“CLARKE YOU LOSER!” she exclaimed loudly, and Clarke punched her on the shoulder.

“You were only one place ahead of me, and that’s cause you bumped me off.”

The rest of the evening was more of intense gaming competitions, controllers passed around and chips tossed at each other’s faces. I watched quietly and realized I did like this better than a mind numbing night at the bar. 

I liked Clarke better like this, too.

 

 

“You’re not drinking?” she asked me, eyeing my coke and grabbing herself one as well.

I shook my head. “No, I promised to drive Anya home tonight.” 

Clarke smiled. “Yeah, I told Raven the same thing.” 

I followed her eyes to the couch where Raven was slumped against Octavia as they slurred questions and answers to what I presumed to be some sort of drinking game.

“So how have you been?” she asked quietly, blue eyes suddenly looking at me intently.

“Better,” I answered truthfully, because although the loss of Costia was still on my mind every day, the wound was less raw in my heart. She gave me a gentle smile and squeezed my lower arm.

 

 

It was around midnight when Bellamy said he was going to bed, something about him working early tomorrow, followed by a grumble about how absurd it was that he had to work on Saturdays in the first place.

Anya grabbed her coat and I bumped into Clarke on the hallway.

“Is Raven not coming with you?” I asked with a frown, casting a glance back at the brunette that was still sprawled on the couch as Lincoln and Octavia finished cleaning up the last empty beer bottles. 

“Nah, she’s staying over. Said the couch was too comfortable, and O is fine with it, so.”

Before I had the chance to consider if it was actually a wise thing to do, the words had already left my mouth.

“You can ride with us, if you want.”

She looked at me, considering the idea, and then shrugged. “That’s okay, I have my car with me.”

I nodded and pulled on my jacket. There was a moment of silence before her voice broke through again.

“Actually, that would be nice. I could leave my car so Raven can drive home tomorrow, she lives close to me anyway.”

A smile tugged on my lips.

 

* * *

 

I wasn’t sure if Anya was half-asleep in the backseat, or if she was just her usual, quiet self. Clarke sat next to me, quietly looking out of the window, and I was content to let the low volume of the radio fill the space around us. 

I dropped Anya off at home and she threw a ‘later, idiots’ over her shoulder as she closed the car door behind her.

Clarke chuckled. “Bye, love you too.”

I knew she meant it ironically to Anya’s version of goodbye, and yet my mind wondered back to that evening Clarke had thrown it just as easily at me as I was leaving the pub.

And I suddenly felt incredibly stupid for making such a big deal out of it. 

 

 

“We should do this again some time,” Clarke said, her voice soft but still clear through the silence in the car.

“Yeah. We should.”

She murmured something about how Raven hadn’t been too excited about it at first, but then Octavia had managed to convince her anyway. 

“Tonight was your idea?” I asked, turning my gaze long enough to see her nod and finding the road again seconds later. 

“Thought it’d be fun, you know, like old times. I wasn’t really in the mood to go out to be honest.”

I huffed out a breath. “Yeah, me neither.”

The streets were dark and surprisingly empty for a Friday night. I spared a quick glance at the girl next to me, the contours of her face and her bright eyes illuminated by the street lights we passed. I forced my breathing to remain steady as I turned the corner onto the street of her apartment.

“I’m sorry I left that night. At the club,” I said, hoping she would remember, because otherwise this was going to sound really awkward. “I knew you had a rough day, and I should’ve been there. You know, as a friend.”

She shrugged. “It’s okay. I understand.”

_I don’t really think you do._

I slowed down the car and she unbuckled her seatbelt. 

“Well, thanks for the ride,” she said, smiling. She moved to give me a hug that lasted just a second longer than it should, and I wondered if she was merely waiting for me to pull back. Her cheek was warm against my ear and for the shortest moment my thoughts seemed muted. When she finally pulled back, I made a split second decision and reached for her lower arm, pulling her back in as my lips found hers in a gentle but urgent kiss. It only lasted a few seconds in which I assumed she was recovering from shock, and so I pulled back, dread settling into my stomach but a compensating tingling on my lips.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, because _oh god,_ I had just kissed Clarke Griffin and had probably done irreparable damage to our friendship and all just because I couldn’t control the way she made me feel.

“Please don’t be,” she answered softly against my lips and it was almost a delicate question, a desperate hope that I didn’t consider this a mistake.

She gently lifted her chin and pressed our mouths back together, her lips moving over mine in the perfect kiss. My breath caught as I realized how _different_ this felt. This wasn’t distraction or a mindless haze of desire; it was affection and I wondered how it was possible to feel so connected to someone. 

My breath trembled and I wasn’t sure if it were the nerves or relief or any other of the emotions that transferred between us in that moment, but her hand came up to my cheek, fingers sprawled under my jaw and I could feel my lips quiver as I pulled back.

And I knew I was supposed to say something here, but I didn’t know what, because I just kissed Clarke and she kissed me back and my heart was racing at an impossible speed.

It was quiet and only a few seconds later my lips were against hers again, drowning in their soft feeling. I leaned my head sideways to change my angle, our lips disconnecting for the shortest moment before finding each other again. 

My mind was numb as I felt my lips get caught between hers, a gentle push as they brushed over each other. All I knew was that Clarke was kissing me, and the feeling exploded in my chest, and I just wanted this to last forever.

It had to end, of course. It was half past midnight and my seatbelt was tugging at my shoulder uncomfortably, and I was desperately trying to ignore my confusion as to why my friend was letting me kiss her. 

She pulled back to rest our foreheads together, closing her eyes and breathing in slowly.

“I should go inside,” she whispered. Her breath ghosted over my lips and her fingers stroked down the side of my cheek. “Come find me tomorrow.” 

And I nodded, because I understood. Her hand found the door handle and she stepped out of the car, disappearing into her apartment only moments later.

 

 

My head was clouded and I didn’t sleep that night. Except, this time it wasn’t because of grief or guilt - this time it was because I had just kissed Clarke Griffin, and she had kissed me back.


	6. (I Don't Want to Be a) Distraction

I wasn’t sure what would be an appropriate time to find her the next day. My thoughts were a mess of insecurities and excitement. Maybe it had all been a mistake, maybe she was going to tell me that she really could be nothing more than my friend - and in that case I almost wanted to keep my hope for as long as possible and not give her the opportunity to crush it.

But the uncertainty was worse, and so I decided to go see her that very morning. That way, it wouldn’t be able to torture either of us.

 

* * *

 

She opened the door and there was a smudge of green paint underneath her cheekbone that she was probably unaware of - a trace her artistic fingers had left as she had absentmindedly brushed a blonde strand of hair from her face.

“Clarke.”

 

Her smile was careful but warm as she turned on the coffee maker and asked if I wanted some. I nodded my head and figured a warm cup would give my nervous hands something to occupy themselves with.

Three sugar cubes disappeared into her cup and she handed me my coffee black, as I had always ordered it. 

I thought about the coffee shop I had passed on the way to her house. _Maybe I should’ve brought coffee._

I glanced around the room, taking in all that I hadn’t bothered to notice before. My eyes landed on a beautifully painted landscape, the canvas leaning against the wall like it had just been put there so it wouldn’t be in the way.

I turned my gaze back to her, a smile tugging on my lips, and I realized how unfair the world was to deny Clarke the opportunity of having painting be the only thing she needed to provide for herself.

“Last night was a good idea,” I said and she smiled up at me with a raised eyebrow. “The gaming-night, I mean.” My eyes widened slightly as I tried to clarify.

She smiled, hummed in agreement. It was quiet for a while and she stirred her coffee that was still too hot to drink. I looked at my own cup and for a moment I contemplated apologizing once again because maybe that was really what she was waiting for, or perhaps she just wanted to know if I could still act like a normal friend around her without being awkward. 

I looked up. The sun shone through the window behind her and fell over the side of her face, making her blonde locks radiate and highlighting the curve of her lips. She parted them and I assumed she was going to say something, but then her tongue merely came out to wet them and she sucked her lower lip into her mouth, biting on it slightly.

My heart rate increased and I averted my eyes back to the cup in my hands. I was about to make a comment about her painting, a poor attempt at making small talk, when I looked back up to find her eyes already focused on me. I followed her movement as she stepped closer.

She placed her cup on the counter behind me, not moving away when she pulled back, but instead remaining close to me. Her eyes were blue and soft and yet they seemed so different from how I had always observed them. I had been so afraid to drown in them, and now they were welcoming me into their ocean.

This time it was she who leaned in, placing her lips tentatively against the corner of my mouth and I tried not to breathe in too sharply.

I moved my head, brushing our noses together before my lips found hers in a kiss that was just as careful as before. Her mouth detached shortly to lean her head sideways, before she kissed me again; more confident and urgent this time.

She pressed into me and my hand trembled as I tried to place my cup on the counter behind me. It wobbled as I put it down but didn’t fall over. 

Her hand was already on the side of my neck, the other coming to rest just above my hip and I wondered if this was all we would ever need - never expressing our thoughts or emotions in any other way than through the kisses we shared. When my tongue brushed against her lower lip, eliciting a soft moan from her, my hands too found her sides to steady myself.

I fought the urge to press myself further into her, to let it become heated and a battle of desire - too soon, I told myself. _It’s too soon._

I reluctantly pulled back, my heart beating at an immense speed, and her breath was warm against my lips.

“God, I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” she eventually said, and my mind shattered because - _what?_

And that’s exactly what came out of my mouth. 

“What?”

Her cheeks were flushed and she chuckled, almost embarrassed. “I don’t know, I guess I was afraid to think of you in that way. And I saw you with others, so I figured you just weren’t interested. Figured you just wanted me as a friend.”

I shook my head and the sensation in my chest caused me to move forward again, pushing my mouth back against hers because, “No. No, I am.”

She kissed me back once more until my desperation wore off, and continued her explanation while my hands found the counter behind me to steady myself. I listened intently to every word she said, swallowing their meaning whole. 

She glanced down and huffed out a breath. “Once I learned about Costia, it started to make sense. The low mood, the way you try to distract yourself. I recognized it.” She moved her hand to hold my cheek in the way she often did, and I just stared at her wide eyed. 

“Lex, I don’t want to be your distraction and I don’t want you to be mine.” Her voice was low and I tried to figure out why that was making me feel so warm inside. “You’re my friend and I care about you. I know you’ve been through a lot and I don’t want to start something you’re not ready for.” She searched my eyes for a reaction and I swallowed.

“Clarke,” I said hoarsely, “I wouldn’t kiss you as a distraction.”

Her smile was warm and I felt overwhelmed. There was a strong combination of desire and affection that I hadn’t felt in a long time and I suddenly wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

“Did you seriously not notice I was into you, though?” Clarke chuckled, leaning her forehead against mine.

I smiled, biting on my lower lip. “You didn’t know about me, either,” I objected.

“That’s not fair; at least I was giving you signals and stuff.”

I sighed, closing my eyes for a short moment. “I just thought you were trying to be a good friend. You’re sort of social with lots of people. How was I supposed to know the difference between your friendliness and flirting?” Her fingers glided down my arm, goosebumps appearing on the skin.

She hummed softly, and my jaw tensed as I continued. “And when I saw you make out with some random guy, I sort of assumed that there really was nothing going on between us.”

“Like you weren’t having a good time of your own,” she objected.

I shook my head, pulling back to explain. “She was-”

“A distraction. I know.”

She looked at me and I knew she understood. I was going through all the things I could possibly say, and then wondering if I _should_ say them, when Clarke’s phone on the counter buzzed. 

She sighed and I couldn’t help the way a corner of my mouth tugged up at her reaction.

She answered the phone and her voice sounded slightly annoyed, although there was a familiar lightness to it.

“Raven. Good to know you survived the night.”

 

* * *

 

I drank my coffee quietly. With Costia everything had gone so naturally; two teenagers in love with shy smiles and butterflies in their stomach, but this was different - it was careful and unguided and I wondered if perhaps I was still too broken to give Clarke what she longed for.

Maybe when she said that she didn’t want to start something I wasn’t ready for, she actually meant she thought I _wasn’t_ ready for anything.

And I had no idea how to convince her otherwise, 

when I really needed to convince myself first.

 

 

I left before Raven had the chance to show up with Clarke’s car key. 

“Lexa.”

I turned to face her blue eyes and she reached out for my arm.

“Don’t shut me out, okay?”

I nodded and she squeezed my hand before I stepped through her front door. And I wondered how it was possible for her to know me so well.

 

 

Raven still noticed me as she made her way up to Clarke’s door.

“Lexa?”

“Raven,” I greeted her with a slight nod of my head. She narrowed her eyes because I was usually not one to go on random visits at friends’ houses.

“Thanks for riding Clarke home yesterday; allowed me to take her car this morning,” she said with a slight smile and I wondered if letting her drive home was even a good decision judging by the somewhat hung-over look she had.

“Sure,” I replied with a short upturn of my lips as well.

 

* * *

 

I went home with the intention of catching up on paper work.

Instead, I took a cold shower and cleaned up the living room.

 

* * *

 

**Clarke**

**Sunday**

**15:38 Clarke -** Upcoming friday: usual night out or gamenight at raven’s?

Raven offered up her house for a game-night? **\- 15:40**

 **15:41 Clarke -** Told you she had fun last time 

**15:41 Clarke -** Also, I think it’s so she can drink without having to worry about getting home

Whatever you feel like, either is fine with me. **\- 15:43**

 

* * *

 

When we sat at our table at the coffee shop a few days later, Clarke was getting our usual orders ready and I found I couldn’t keep my eyes off her.

“So I heard you finally kissed her. Took you long enough,” Raven remarked, smirking at me.

Octavia bit her lip in a smile and I wasn’t surprised nor upset by the fact Clarke had shared it with them. 

“You must’ve seriously had your head up your ass if you thought she wasn’t into you,” Raven continued. “I mean, have you _seen_ yourself?”

And I wondered if everyone except ourselves had noticed the way Clarke and I looked at each other.

I supposed this sort of conversation would normally make me feel uncomfortable, but for some reason it didn’t. Clarke brought us our drinks and sat down at the table as usual, claiming she was on her break anyway.

Anya’s face had the same blank expression it always did, but I almost thought I saw some sort of contentment in them.

Octavia grinned. “This is great. Once you guys sort your stuff out we can finally go on a double date that doesn’t require Bellamy to hook up with Raven.”

Raven shot her a dry look and I almost chuckled. 

Except, Clarke and I weren’t dating.

 

I hadn’t seen her again after that morning and although she had texted me a few times, I knew she was giving me space. 

My ears reddened as Clarke caught my eyes and gave me a smile. 

I didn’t want space, I realized then.

 

And I wondered whether I needed it.


	7. Together Alone

“Do you think she would be angry with me?” I asked Anya a few days later at work during our lunch break. She exhaled and the cigarette smoke left through her nose, clouding into the outside air.

She raised an eyebrow. “Does it matter?”

“It matters to me.”

“She’s gone, Lex. Whether or not you allow yourself to be happy isn’t going to change that.” 

Her answer didn’t surprise me. It wasn’t the _she would have wanted you to be happy_ that I imagined others would tell me.

It was cold and harsh, and maybe what I needed. 

“Clarke seems to care for you,” Anya said. I didn’t reply, because it was an observation and I didn’t think it was any less than true. “Don’t shut her out.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke came over to my house later that week, only announcing herself with a text message half an hour before she showed up on my doorstep. She brought takeout food and I wondered if this would be considered a date. I leaned my elbows on the table, fork in hand as I inspected the girl across from me.

Or maybe just dinner between two friends.

She told me about a job she was offered a little while ago at the nearby hospital and I asked if she was considering taking it.

“I wasn’t,” she said. “I like seeing you guys at the coffee shop too much.”

She took another breath to add something, but then closed her mouth again and I wondered if seeing her friends at the coffee shop was really that important or if she hadn’t taken the job because she had feared she wouldn’t see me at all anymore.

 _Don’t be ridiculous_ , I corrected myself.

 

She left with a quick peck on my cheek and for some reason my chest constricted.

“See you tomorrow night?” she asked, and I nodded. Her smile was warm and just like that she was gone again.

 

* * *

 

We went out and this time, she didn’t kiss any strangers (and neither did I). 

We sat at the bar with the others and for the shortest moment, her eyes fell on a couple doing body shots. She glanced back at me with a smile before downing her own tequila shot and I did the same.

 

Clarke danced with me. It wasn’t teasing like before with a challenge in her eyes and carefully chosen movements - it was with a soft smile and bright blue eyes, and this time I didn’t panic when she wrapped her arms around my middle and pressed our bodies closer. 

I only blushed, but it was barely visible through the blinking lights.

 

 

We moved to Raven’s house later that night. The group slumped down on the couches, a bottle of liquor and a pack of playing cards on the table in front them.

 

We had been there for about half an hour when Clarke said she was going out for a smoke. 

“You don’t smoke, Griffin,” Raven remarked, narrowing her eyes, but Clarke merely stuck out her tongue and I decided to follow her out the back door. 

 

“She’s right, I don’t actually smoke,” Clarke admitted with half a smile as the cool air surrounded us. “I just felt like getting some fresh air.”

She sat down on the stairs of the back porch and I sat down next to her, the sound of laughter from inside still reaching our ears. The sky was bright with stars and she looked up at them, tracing the constellations with her eyes like they were part of her soul. 

She was quiet, more than usual.

Her eyes were glazed over as she bit her lower lip and turned to look at me.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

She averted her gaze back to the sky again, and her voice was thick with emotion in a way that I hadn’t heard before.

“Tomorrow it’ll be three years since my dad died.”

I studied the side of her face, noticing the clench of her jaw and the way she swallowed in an attempt to keep her emotions from spilling out of her throat.

“It probably sounds stupid, but I still miss him every day.”

“Why would you think that’s stupid?”

She turned to me and a corner of her mouth tugged up in some sort of sad smile, and I think she knew I understood.

I felt my chest ache for the sadness in her gaze. It was familiar, and yet I didn’t know what to do. Something in my mind shifted and I wondered if it would even be fair of me to ask her to be with me when she would have to see the same sadness in my eyes. How could I share my heart with her when it was still weeping over Costia’s grave? 

 

She took a breath and I heard it tremble. “He got- sick. Really sick. He ended up in the hospital and some days I was afraid to visit him, fearing I’d have to say goodbye. Other days, I thought that… if I’d just give him enough love, it would nurse him back to life.” She huffed through her nose, something like an ironic laugh. “He fell into a coma, didn’t wake up… My mom eventually made the decision to pull the plug.”

She ran her fingers over the cracks in the wood, and I knew it was a distraction to make this easier to talk about. I placed my fingers on her wrist and slid them down until they intertwined with hers. She nudged her cheek against my shoulder and stared into the darkness of Raven’s backyard.

I listened to her breathing, the chirping of the crickets, and wondered if she was sharing this with me because she just wanted to talk about it to someone, or because she was searching for understanding. 

Or perhaps it was something else entirely.

I realized it didn't really matter and brushed my thumb over her hand, her voice drifting through the air again.

“The first few months were the worst. I guess I never stopped trying to distract myself from the pain of losing him, even though it eventually got easier. But I still wish he was here, you know.”

Her head rested against my shoulder and I placed my cheek against her hair, keeping silent because of course I knew.

 

 

Octavia stormed out of the house, pushing herself through the back door and showing no reaction at all to finding Clarke huddled against me.

“Claaarke, you gotta pack your stuff for tomorrow. We’re leaving at ten.”

Clarke turned to the girl, a confused look on her face.

“What? Where to?”

Raven showed up behind the Blake girl. “Oh right, we decided to take a road trip to my cousin’s beach house. Lexa, you’re coming too.”

“What- like, tomorrow? When was this decided?” Clarke frowned, but slightly amused.

“About five minutes ago,” Octavia answered and I could see Anya standing in front of the window, rolling her eyes.

 

 

Perhaps if I didn’t know them that well, I would think it was a joke or an impulsive idea they came up with while not so sober and that they weren’t actually serious about following up on it.

But they were.

We didn’t stay long that night, instead making our way home to catch at least a few hours of sleep before leaving.

 

 

I curled up under my covers and it occurred to me that even though I was sure Clarke’s friends were doing this to make the upcoming days easier for her, it also wouldn’t hurt for me to have a change of scenery.

 

* * *

 

It was a quarter past ten when I got a text from Raven the next morning, telling me to ‘get my ass outside’.

 

I found two cars waiting, and threw my stuff into the back of the nearest car, which I knew to be Anya’s. 

I slumped into the backseat and found both Anya and Raven already sitting in front of me. They informed me Clarke’s apartment was the last stop before we would be on our way.

 

 

My heart skipped a beat when Clarke walked outside, bag slumped over her shoulder and a baseball cap over her eyes. She stopped at Lincoln’s car, speaking to them through an opened car window. Octavia’s hand appeared out of the back window and Clarke high-fived her before making her way to our car.

Raven chuckled. “Told you,” she grinned at Anya.

The door opened and Clarke got in next to me.

“Glad to see you prefer my company over the Blakes and their boyfriend,” Raven said to her as a greeting, and I noticed how Clarke bit her lip in a smile and glanced at me.

 

 

Even though we hadn’t stayed too late the night before, I still felt the tiredness in my body and I knew Clarke felt it too, judging by the way she took off her seatbelt and casually stretched herself over the backseat, leaning into my side to rest her head against my shoulder.

Anya and Raven were caught up in some conversation about a new action movie in theaters and I kept quiet, content with the feeling of having Clarke sit this close to me.

 

We stopped for coffee, and once Clarke’s tiredness was gone, I missed the warm feeling of having her pressed into my side.

 

 

Raven received a dozen text messages from Octavia in the other car and read them out loud, dramatically sharing the horror of having her boyfriend get along with her brother and having nowhere to escape to when stuck with them in a car.

Clarke had a habit of singing along to every song on the radio that she knew and my eyes traced the sceneries that rushed by the window. With every mile I felt myself get farther away from the city that held the reminders of most of my memories. 

I looked at Clarke, trees rushing by behind the window, and I wondered if maybe this trip would give me new memories to hold onto - clean ones, that weren’t stained with grief.

She caught my eyes and smiled, and I realized it already had.

 

* * *

 

A few hours later we reached the cabin situated near the edge of a forest and close to a beach. It was a nicely chosen spot, and the cabin itself was quite inviting as well.

A dark-haired boy came out to meet us, a wide grin on his face.

“Monty!” Raven yelled, getting out of the car and enveloping the boy in a bear hug.

“This is your cousin?” Anya asked with a slight frown.

“Eh, he’s basically family,” Raven shrugged.

Octavia grinned and greeted Monty warmly as well, before he showed us inside. I spared a glance towards the large pool beside the house before throwing my bag over my shoulder, and Clarke smiled at me as she fell in step beside me.

 

We walked up to the front of the cabin, and I suddenly realized I’d be spending multiple days with Clarke nearby. My cheeks flushed at the prospect, my heart suddenly feeling warmer.

I had the feeling I was going to enjoy our time here.


	8. My Attention's on You

The cabin smelled of fresh pine sap and the comforting scent of wood. The steps of the porch didn’t squeak as I followed the others and it added up with all the other modern additions to the place - the house was luxuriously refurbished.

 

The boy Monty grinned as we stepped through the door and into the large space of what I presumed to be the living room. 

“Thanks for having us, bro,” Bellamy said to him with a slap on the back and I guessed both Blakes were already familiar with the Asian boy.

Raven half-heartedly introduced the rest of us and shouted something about claiming the master bedroom as she made her way down the hall.

 

 

A few large paintings hung on one of the wooden walls and I couldn’t help but eye them with interest. 

“You have some beautiful paintings,” I told Monty, and he gave me a grin that told me we’d get along just fine.

“I didn’t know you had an eye for art.” Clarke dropped her bag next to mine and quietly stood next to me, inspecting the canvas as well.

I turned to look at her, shrugged. “I know beauty when I see it.”

She gave me a smile that said, _smooth,_ and I gave myself a mental pat on the back.

 

* * *

 

The day had been pleasantly warm and that afternoon Lincoln lit up the barbecue. Most of our bags were still thrown down in the hall, only zipped open slightly to grab a bikini from the top. At least, that’s what Clarke had done. I hadn’t really paid attention to the others.

The smell of grilled meat filled the air and for the shortest moment I closed my eyes, leaning back on the cushioned bench, the sun burning the back of my eyes a dark red.

There was a scream and the sound of splashing water, and I didn’t need to open my eyes to know that Octavia had just been pushed into the pool (which, I had been told, was heated). There was a loud laugh and another splash of water and this time I did open my eyes to see Clarke’s hair turn a darker shade of blonde as she came up again.

“Apart from the occasional high pitched scream of those two, this is great. Maybe I should consider buying one of these places myself.” Anya settled in a chair next to Raven and I turned to look at her, her words drawing out an amused smile on my face.

 

When Monty placed a crate of cooled beers next to the table and Bellamy brought a plate of grilled hamburgers over, shouting that dinner was ready, I tried not to stare too obviously at the way the water fell off Clarke’s skin as she made her way out of the pool. 

I faintly noticed Raven giving Anya another one of those inside-joke grins, and averted my eyes to the burgers, grabbing a cold beer in the hope it would cool down the heat running through my skin.

Clarke grabbed a colorful towel and threw on an oversized t-shirt, and I forced myself not to linger on the way her wet bikini top was still visible through the fabric.

 

* * *

 

I furrowed my brow as my ears focused on the only sound in the area that seemed to fill my mind; the noise of crickets echoing on into forever until the soft rush of water and the occasional sound of rustling leaves was barely noticeable anymore.

The folding chair I was seated in was surprisingly comfortable. They were placed near the lake, and the clear night sky reflected off the water’s surface, creating a misshaped blur of stars.

“This is a really nice place,” I mumbled, and when Monty answered, I could hear he was smiling.

“Yeah. It’s pretty cool. I don’t come here that often, but it’s better with friends around.”

I took another swig of the way too heavy beer, and my tipsy mind wondered from one thought to the other.

_This guy must be really rich._

_He’s so young though. A legacy?_

I noticed the white roll-up in his mouth and realized half of the nearby greenhouse must be filled with smokable herbs. 

_Oh._

 

 

“Hey babe.” Clarke’s arms wrapped around my neck as she came up behind me and pressed a sweet kiss to my cheek. It immediately flushed with heat and suddenly the evening’s breeze wasn’t enough to cool me down anymore.

“Hi,” I stammered, only barely noticing Monty’s grin as he stood up and walked back towards the others near the house.

Clarke pulled my hair back to one side and her mouth moved to place open mouthed kisses below my ear, causing my breathing to become uncomfortably erratic.

“Do you wanna go for a swim?” she husked.

“Clarke.” Her teeth scraped softly over my neck and a warm feeling in my chest exploded. “You’ve been drinking.”

She hummed, and I wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be a confirmation or just a careless attempt to brush off my words.

“Haven’t you?” she replied. Her fingers pulled my chin to face her and she kissed me. For a moment I gave into it, because I had wanted to kiss her like that again for so long and her lips were soft and warm and _fuck it_ \- I had been drinking as well.

But then she giggled against my mouth, and it didn’t fit with the careful emotions that were building inside my chest, so I pulled away.

There was a smile on her face, her eyes still half closed. 

“Come on,” I said, standing up and taking her hand. “Let’s go back to the others.”

 

* * *

 

It was late when I made my way into a random room, threw my bag down on one of the beds and slumped down on the other one. I threw on a pair of pajama shorts and an oversized t-shirt, and crawled under the fresh-smelling covers.

 

About half an hour later someone barged through the bedroom door. The faint light from the hallway illuminated blonde hair and I was immediately wide awake.

“Clarke?”

I turned on the lamp on the nightstand. She closed the door behind her and moved towards the other bed as my mind started racing, trying to figure out if there was any particular reason she had chosen this room to sleep in.

“Lincoln is staying with Octavia, so I’m sleeping here.”

_Oh. That makes sense._

She sighed loudly and walked towards the opposite bed. 

“There’s a bag here,” she said, and I fought the urge to chuckle at her drunk words.

“Yeah,” I said, “it’s mine. You can just put it on the ground.”

She stared at it like she wasn’t entirely sure how to do such a complicated task and I pushed the bed covers off myself, getting up to do it for her.

“You have really nice legs,” she slurred as I placed my bag on the floor near the foot of my bed. A corner of my mouth tugged up.

 

 

The room was dark but I could see her lying on her back in her bed. She turned onto her side, and I resisted the urge to turn away - she couldn’t see my face in the dark, I convinced myself.

“It’s three years today,” she said softly.

“I know. You told me yesterday, remember?”

She hummed and for a long time it was quiet again. I could still hear the sound of crickets from outside and it reminded me of how different this place was from the city.

“I still miss him.”

“I know.”

I heard her sigh once again, this time I assumed it was to calm her own mind.

“Lex,” she whispered, “can I just sleep with you?”

_For comfort._

_Safety._

_Affection?_

I only hesitated a moment before pulling my covers back and the rustling sound must have been enough of a confirmation for her, because the next moment her bare feet walked across the small space between our beds and she crawled in next to me. 

My heart was thudding in my chest and her skin warm against mine. She snuggled up against me as close as possible and I was convinced this couldn’t be a comfortable position to fall asleep in, but she didn’t seem to mind. The faint moonlight still made its way through the window and I suddenly realized that I _could_ see her face when she was this close to me.

 

She stared at me for a long time, her face resting on the pillow only inches from mine, and I could see the movement of her eyelashes every time she blinked. My chest swelled with adoration and I tried to keep the tears from my eyes that seemed to form at the simple realization that Clarke was lying here in bed next to me, her eyes studying my face through the dark, and I had fallen for her.

So when she nuzzled herself into my neck, her lips pressing against my skin in a soft kiss and I felt how a tear slipped from her eye, I wrapped my arm around her until the breathing against my neck evened out and I knew she had fallen asleep.

 

* * *

 

I woke up with a numb arm and only half of the bed sheets covering me. I ignored the room’s chilly temperature as I shuffled my way out of bed, trying not to wake up Clarke as she probably needed all the sleep she could get.

“I don’t like waking up alone.”

Her soft, raspy voice echoed through the room just as I reached for the door handle. It wasn’t an accusation or a question, but merely a random comment as if she wanted me to understand her better. 

_Neither do I. That’s why we used to invite strangers into our beds, remember?_

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I replied. She didn’t respond but only cuddled further into the blankets and I made my way through the hallway. 

I could hear the clanging of pans from the kitchen and Raven loudly hissing a ‘fuck!’ (she broke an egg that didn’t end up in the pan, I was told later).

I filled up a glass of water before making my way back to the bedroom and placed it on the nightstand. Clarke seemed to have fallen asleep again, if the way her mouth was parted and the soft sound of her breathing was any indication. I barely hesitated before placing a soft kiss on her forehead, silently hoping she wouldn’t wake up but not denying myself this small opportunity of affection either.

I searched around in my bag and pulled a warm sweater over my head before making my way to the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean you didn’t bring the bacon?” Raven’s face was calm, her eyebrow quirked and I knew she was on the verge of attacking Bellamy right there.

He mumbled something about forgetting it, stumbling over his own words multiple times and trying to brush if off as if it wasn’t such a big deal. I leaned my elbows on the counter, sipping my coffee and watching with amusement.

“I _specifically_ told you to bring the bacon right before you went into the store,” Raven hissed and continued to rant about how ridiculous it was that he remembered to bring his own soap but forgot to buy the one thing Raven had threatened to kill him over.

“Hey, I just like to smell nice, okay? And stop being so dramatic about it, you can eat pancakes without the bacon.”

At that moment Octavia walked into the kitchen and started mumbling something about keeping it down, but then cut off halfway when she noticed the pancakes.

 

Not much later Clarke appeared as well, frizzy hair and an empty glass in her hand. She sat down next to me, pressing a chaste kiss to my cheek and thanked me for bringing her the water. 

Her eyes were bright even though the signs of morning still hung across her face. My cheek tingled where her soft lips had touched and I wondered if she longed for me to show her the same signs of affection.

But at that moment, I just warmly smiled at her. The way the corners of Clarke’s own mouth tugged up made me sure that was the reaction she was hoping for.


	9. It's Better This Way

“You and me in five minutes. Let’s go, Woods.”

Anya tossed me a pair of fighting gloves and pulled on her shoes near the door. Clarke was caught up in a conversation with the others and I didn’t say anything as we left the house.

 

 

Anya landed a punch against my jaw, followed by one in my stomach and I raised my arms to defend myself.

“You’ve become shit. What’s it been, five weeks?”

I kicked up my foot, solidly hitting the side of her knee and causing a small smirk to appear on Anya’s face. She retaliated and I merely deflected her punches again.

“You’re holding back,” she said, stopping her attack momentarily to stand across from me. “Stop being precious, Lexa. Fight me.”

Her voice was low and by the look on her face I knew she was challenging me. 

But I didn’t want to. 

I didn’t want to work myself up in an attack, bringing my anger to the surface and not knowing what to do with it. The last time I had done so, five weeks ago, had ended with me in a fit of rage and tears of anger boiling up to the point that I had felt ashamed of it.

And Anya had stayed quiet, as if the whole point of our fighting matches was to help me relieve my anger that had cropped up after losing Costia. To me, it didn’t feel like relieving anything. It only reminded me of the fact that it was there.

“What, Lex? You scared I’m gonna kick your ass?"

I huffed out half a laugh. “You know we always settle for a draw.”

“Then stop being so hung up on your feelings and _fight back._ ”

I clenched my jaw and landed a blow against her side, movements gradually becoming faster and blurrier between us until the beams of sunlight seemed unbearably hot and I felt my clothes clinging to my sweaty skin.

 

It went better this time. My movements were controlled and I was focused, the burning of emotions I didn’t want to feel only giving me a dangerous edge of persistence.

For the shortest moment I could swear I saw a small smile on Anya’s lips and I knew she noticed it too. 

 

 

There was a distant sound of laughter from the side and I pulled back on instinct, stepping away from Anya as if our fighting matches were something that I wanted to keep between us. I glanced over to where Clarke and Octavia were making their way out of the house, caught up in a conversation that I was unable to overhear from where I was standing.

“Are we done?” I asked Anya, still breathing heavy from the workout session.

She shrugged, looked at me. “Are we?”

I glanced back at Clarke and Anya’s voice broke through once again. “You’re getting better, Lex.”

For a moment I thought she was speaking of my fighting skills.

“Even if you don’t want to face it yourself.”

I frowned and turned back to her. “What?”

She shrugged, as if convincing me to forget she had said anything. “Clarke deserves to know when you’re ready,” she mumbled only loud enough for me to hear as she made her way back towards the cabin.

 

 

The sun was bright and warm in the sky. Anya had gone to take a shower and I decided to take a dive in the swimming pool to cool off. 

Raven sat down on the edge of the pool, bare feet dangling into the water as she handed me a cold beer. 

I quirked an eyebrow at her. “Really? It’s barely 1 o’clock.”

She shrugged. “We’re on a vacation. Don’t complain about it, Woods.” 

_Vacation._ “Speaking of which. Aren’t we supposed be back for work tomorrow?”

“That was the plan, yes. _But_... Monty told us some guy nearby is throwing a party where a bunch of rich, fancy people are going to show up, so we were sort of planning on going there. Might as well stick around for another day or so.”

 

* * *

 

The house party was exactly as I had expected it to be after hearing Raven’s description. The beach house was large, and filled with flamboyant adolescents and wealthy looking adults that still tried to fit in with the younger group. 

The largest room inside was basically a dance floor, already decorated in the most convenient way for a bustling house party as if the owner had originally planned to make a club out of this beach house. The flickering lights illuminated the tight fitting dresses that squeezed torsos together and fancy suits with the top buttons of shirts unbuttoned so the meager amount of chest hair was clearly visible.

 

A bonfire had been lit on the strand of beach close to the house, and I sat in one of the beach chairs next to Anya and Lincoln, sharing a rather expensive looking bottle of wine. People were scattered around the area, going back and forth between the house and the beach, laughing loudly near the fire and twirling the drinks in their hands.

The beach house was raised on a slight platform and my gaze fell on the people near the pool, their faces visible and their conversations audible. I accepted the bottle once again from Lincoln and took a long swig (because this was _good_ stuff and I was going to enjoy it) and my eyes found Monty on the terrace as he showed the others around, introducing them to random people he apparently knew. We were seriously underdressed - because this place was _fancy_ and we had only brought the regular cabin weekend clothes - but the people there didn’t really seem to mind. 

And I understood. Because Clarke even looked amazing in her regular pair of jeans. 

Lincoln raised an eyebrow and I frowned, looking down at the bottle, because, _did I just mumble that out loud?_

 

 

“You’re not from around here, are you?”

Someone sat down next to me and I barely even spared him a glance, my eyes still stuck in the direction where Clarke and Bellamy were talking to a tall, dark-haired man that Monty had introduced to them earlier. They had been talking for quite a while (too long for my liking) but Clarke kept glancing around instead of lingering her eyes on the guy and it made me smile a bit.

The man that sat next to me chuckled and I heard him mumble something to what I presumed to be a friend. He stood up, and about three seconds later his seat was filled again and a female voice broke through.

“I told him, he didn’t stand a chance.”

This time I did look up, not out of interest but because of slight confusion. A pretty dark-haired girl sat next to me, grin on her face and drink in her hand while the other guy had dwindled back to their group of friends.

Oh.

“No, I’m a friend of Monty’s,” I replied to the girl and the next moment I felt someone yank the almost empty bottle of wine from my hand. I looked up to see Anya raise an eyebrow and fix me with a hard glare.

“Oh right, Raven’s cousin!” the unknown girl responded, resting her hand on my knee. I gave her a friendly smile and had to give this girl some credit - after all, I was sitting next to Anya and the girl already knew Raven, both who were not that bad looking themselves (and fairly intimidating, according to some others) and still this girl decided to give it a shot.

“Yeah,” I answered her, and when I glanced back towards the pool area Clarke was no longer there. “Excuse me,” I told the girl next to me, still attempting to sound friendly but barely sparing her a second glance as I walked towards the house. 

 

When I pushed myself through the mingling bodies and reached the terrace near the pool, I couldn’t help the way my eyes desperately searched around for Clarke. I looked around the outside area before moving inside but there were enough girls with blonde hair and my heart leaped every time before I noticed it wasn’t her.

Sometimes though, when I found golden hair moving sensually with a random stranger, it made my chest a little lighter to find it wasn’t her.

 

Realistically, I knew all my friends were here somewhere. Anya and Lincoln were probably still sitting outside near the bonfire, Raven and Octavia were in my sight as I made my way over to them on the makeshift dance floor, and Bellamy, Clarke and Monty were most likely still talking to wealthy, handsome strangers.

Still, I couldn’t stop my eyes from searching around for Clarke’s familiar face as if I had lost her, longing for that warmth when our eyes would meet for a split second.

“Lex, you gotta chill,” Octavia told me, speaking loudly over the thrum of the music. A dozen bodies pressed into me, although more carefully than they usually did at the regular clubs we visited. I turned my eyes back to the two friends in front of me and smiled. 

She was right. I should just enjoy tonight, whether or not Clarke was by my side.

And so I danced with them, confident and with a smile on my face, because I was fairly sure that wine I had been drinking from the bottle cost more than the current pair of shoes I was wearing, and I felt great about it.

 

About two songs later, a hand slid along my back and I turned to face the same girl that had sat next to me earlier. She smiled at Raven who gave her a mere jerk of the chin accompanied by a friendly quirk of her eyebrow. 

The girl leaned into my ear to be heard over the music, asking me if she could get me another drink. Her cheek brushed against mine as she leaned into my ear while my eyes roamed the large room, and surely - I met familiar blue ones. Clarke looked back at me, her expression unreadable but not hostile, and I turned back at the girl next to me to shake my head. 

“No, sorry,” I told her, my eyes flickering back to the spot I had seen Clarke stand in. Clarke, however, was no longer looking at me and was instead caught up in a conversation with someone else, smiling like she had merely skimmed over me and it wasn’t that big of a deal to see a random pretty girl lean in close to me. 

I watched Clarke take a sip of her drink, and realized - perhaps it wasn’t.

Still, I pushed my way through the moving bodies and off the dance floor. Just as I walked up to Clarke, the girl she had been talking to excused herself and Clarke turned around, meeting my gaze. 

I smiled, because her eyes were bright and her pupils beautifully large in the dim light, and she smiled back at me. She moved outside through the open terrace door and sat down on an empty couch. 

“Didn’t feel like dancing with Miss Hollywood?” she asked me, grinning as I took a seat next to her.

I rolled my eyes with a small smile. 

“Seriously. If you want to, then go. By all means, don’t let me stop you.”

Clarke’s voice was serious although lighthearted and I turned to look at her, feeling slightly confused and even a little disappointed. Did she really not care?

“No,” I answered her sincerely and with a small frown, “I don’t really want to dance with anyone other than you.”

As she found my eyes her earlier grin turned into a soft expression, and she sighed softly as if she had been holding her breath and waiting for relief.

Her hand rested in my neck as she leaned forward to press our foreheads together.

“I was really hoping you’d say that,” she chuckled softly, eyes cast downwards so I could almost feel the brush of her eyelashes as she blinked. Her breath was warm against my mouth and I realized suddenly that this Clarke was so different from the one in the clubs before I had kissed her. There must have been at least a dozen people in this place that had eyed her suggestively, that she could've had with the flick of a wrist, that she could've been dancing with like she used to do before.

Instead, she was setting me free from her jealousy and only hoping for me to choose her. 

Didn’t she know I had already chosen her?

The next moment I turned my head to brush our lips together. I felt her sigh into my mouth and a dozen butterflies exploded in my stomach.

We kissed and the thrill of the loud house party was drowned out, the pounding of my heart sounding louder in my ears than the bass drum of the music that blared through the outside speakers. All I could focus on was the press of our lips and the brush of her tongue and the soft moans that I couldn’t hear but still vibrated against my mouth.

“All right, all right, we get it. Jeez, get a room, you two.” 

Octavia’s smirking voice broke through and I pulled my hand from Clarke’s hair, not remembering putting it there, and disconnected our lips in a much needed moment for air. Our group of friends had slumped around us and someone pushed both Clarke and me another drink.

“Okay, so let’s get this out there. Skinny dipping - yes or no?” Raven raised an eyebrow as she questioned it and Bellamy almost choked on the last of his beer.

“Not in my pool,” Monty immediately objected. 

 

 

Half an hour later, the group had split up again and dispersed through the house. Midnight was approaching, strangers became more and more friendly and chuckles were heard in every conversation. 

At some point, Clarke asked me, “Do you want to go home?” and I could do nothing else than nod.

 

* * *

 

Monty’s cabin wasn’t too far from the beach house and Clarke used the spare key Monty had trusted her with to open the front door.

She was silent as I closed the door behind me and for a moment I felt unsure. Unsure about what this was and unsure if we should’ve left the party and unsure if I was supposed to say something right now.

But then I found her eyes, and her hand was on my cheek and she was pushing me against the front door, pulling me through the hallway and pushing my jacket off my shoulders as we entered the bedroom we had shared the night before.

 

For the shortest moment she pulled back and I couldn’t tell if she was searching my eyes for something I couldn’t name, or merely reveling in the blissful connection we seemed to have. Either way, it caused her to smile and kiss me softly, a sharp contrast to the desperate friction that had been there earlier.

And I realized it was better this way. 

It was better to have her caress my heart in the lightest way like the touch of a feather, soothing it as it ached and burned and came to life all at once. It was better than the rushed claiming and drowning - it hurt, but it was better to have her stitch it up slowly.

And I wanted to love her with the same gentleness.

She sat down on the bed next to me and for a long time we just exchanged the softest kisses, the brush of a nose against the other and shy smiles as if we were making up for all the time we should’ve been doing so. 

It was sweet and only slightly crossing the border of no longer being innocent. Her touch was warm and her lips full and every time she pressed them back against mine, my heart would shiver at the thought that Clarke was giving me love.

 _Thank you,_ I wanted to say, _thank you for showing me love,_ but instead my breath trembled and an odd sensation spread through my chest, and I just kissed her back because that’s all I could really do.

The room was dim and we were quiet, enthralled by the slightest touch that shared more affection than words could ever do. 

After what felt like hours but could never be long enough, she tugged on the hem of my shirt. I pulled back and took it off in one slow, fluid movement. She kissed me again before pulling back to do the same. I could feel the way her skin radiated with warmth and all I could think about was how I wanted to spend an eternity kissing it.

Somewhere along the way our tongues met and our kiss grew deeper, gradually shedding more clothing. A low, breathy moan came from her throat and I broke, warmth spreading out over my entire body. I pushed her down and we fell onto the bed.

An unfamiliar bed, in the middle of nowhere, and I found myself thinking that it was better, because it’s not a bed that either of us had shared with anyone else before.


	10. Take Me Somewhere Nice / Stay

It was about halfway through the night, after falling asleep not too long ago, that Costia’s smile appeared behind my closed eyes. This time, I felt no pain or grief and I was surprised by how little it affected me. Still, she smiled at me and I felt inclined to smile back. 

The sound of soft breathing next to me persuaded me to open my eyes, making out Clarke’s features through the dark. 

And I felt peaceful.

 

* * *

 

I woke up to Clarke’s bright blue eyes staring at me, her face inches away from mine as it rested on the pillow next to me. She grinned and I blinked once to get rid of the tired ache in my eyes. Her hair was mussed and a slight crease from the pillow scarred her face, and I realized I wanted to wake up like this forever. 

I breathed silently though my nose, afraid to scare her away with morning breath. She moved her foot, running it over my ankle where our legs were intertwined.

“Hey,” Clarke whispered the first word of the morning, and all I could do was smile.

 

 

The house was silent, most of our friends still asleep in their rooms. We, too, kept quiet, content with the warmth radiating off each other’s body beneath the covers. I searched her eyes as they stared back at me and found no sign of regret. She wouldn’t find any in mine, either.

 

* * *

 

The smell of bacon hung around in the kitchen and I grinned when I realized someone must’ve gone out to get it after Raven’s fit over not bringing any. We found Bellamy and Monty watching TV on the couch in the living room, messy haired and nibbling on strips of bacon. 

“Why are you watching cartoons?” Clarke mumbled, and I knew her confusion was due to morning tiredness because I could swear the Blake siblings used to watch cartoons over at her house all the time. She reached for the coffee pot and I grabbed a few strips of bacon for us.

“The real question is, why aren’t you watching with us?” Bellamy responded, and I had to shrug a shoulder because he had a point there. 

I slumped down onto the other couch next to the guys and Clarke placed our coffee cups on the small table before settling down next to me. She moved her foot to hook behind mine, intertwining the lower part our legs again as if she needed that small bit of contact. 

With anyone else I probably would’ve considered it ridiculous and although her need for affection surprised me, I was just as surprised by my own longing for it. Her eyes were focused on the TV screen, her leg touching mine, and the simplicity of this domestic moment sent a warm wave through my chest. 

“What happened to the others? They not up yet?” Clarke asked the guys.

“Nah,” Bellamy responded without averting his eyes from the TV screen. “They got all wasted and useless last night, so they’re probably still sleeping it off.” 

He told us how Octavia kept insisting she wanted to go swimming and they had to refrain her from jumping into a stranger’s pool on the way back to the cabin, followed by an angry, equally tipsy Raven because ‘if she wants to go swimming, she can go swimming’. 

“It was a disaster trying to get them all back here,” Bellamy grumbled. “Thank you for the help, by the way.” He fixed us with a pointed glare that lasted only half a second before the TV caught his attention again.

“You know, Monty,” Bellamy began again after a while, “I feel like we’re the only two real grown-ups here.”

Clarke subtly choked on her own laughter and I couldn’t help but grin at the big kids on the couch watching cartoons. 

“Yeah,” Monty answered him, thinking it over with a frown, “us and Lincoln maybe. Although I don’t see him here on the couch with us, so that says something.”

 

 

About half an hour later the others still hadn’t showed up yet and Clarke suddenly stood up. 

“I’m going for a swim,” she stated, looking down at me expectantly. 

“Kay,” Monty responded, “switch for the pool cover is near the backdoor.”

Clarke headed to the bedroom to get her swimwear before making her way to the bathroom. The running of the water tap was audible as she got ready. I glanced over to the boys on the couch.

“Don’t feel like swimming, guys?” I asked them. Monty shrugged and Bellamy made some sort of sound that resembled a ‘nah’.

He glanced from the corner of his eye to where I was sitting. “But I know you want to. So go, Misses Woods-Griffin,” Bellamy smirked. I stood up, rolling my eyes, and flicked him on the back of the head as I walked by the couch and made my way to the bedroom anyway. 

 

 

After changing into my own swimwear and pulling an oversized sweater and sweatpants over it, I walked back down the hall. The door to the bathroom was open and I figured I might as well brush my teeth and get some sort of control over my bed hair. As I was about to step into the bathroom, Clarke appeared in the doorway, almost bumping into me, towel wrapped around her middle, bikini top showing off her front and toothbrush in her mouth.

“Hey,” she said through a mouth full of toothpaste and pleasantly surprised eyes, and I forced myself to keep my own eyes glued to hers.

“Hi,” I replied with a smile, pushing myself past her into the fairly large bathroom and grabbing my toothbrush from the stand. “Are you finished? I just wanted to brush my teeth.”

“No, it’s okay. Go ahead,” she answered with a grin. “So are you gonna go swimming with me?”

I nodded. She ran her eyes over my clothes, looking uncertain. 

“I was cold,” I explained. “And I didn’t really want to walk around the house in my bikini, so I just covered it up.” 

She nodded in understanding and continued brushing her teeth. I looked into the mirror above the sink, smoothing a hand through my hair. 

My eyes fell on a dark spot just above my collarbone. “Clarke!”

I twirled around and she faced me with wide eyes. “What?” she asked.

I turned back to the mirror, leaning in and expecting the mark more closely. “You left a mark,” I mumbled.

“Yeah,” she answered, rinsing out her mouth with water and putting her toothbrush back on the holder. “Sorry… I didn’t think you would mind,” she said, sounding almost uncertain.

“I don’t,” I responded, frowning at my own previous reaction. “It’s just… with our friends around and stuff. They’ll know it’s yours.”

She chuckled. “Yeah well, they kinda would know anyway.” I turned to her and she raised her eyebrows before moving her hair to one side and exposing two bright hickeys on her own neck.

The sight of them sent a hot spark to my stomach and lower regions and she chuckled again at my speechless reaction. 

“It’s okay,” she said, wrapping her arms around my middle. “I like them there. Now go brush your teeth because I really want to kiss you.”

 

 

I found Clarke at the backdoor, flipping the switch that drew back the automatic pool cover. The outside air was cooler than the day before, but since the water was heated that wasn’t really an issue. 

I took off my sweater, placing it on one of the chairs near the pool and waited for the pool cover to retract entirely. I looked back towards Clarke, confused why she was still standing there when the water was already completely accessible. 

I found her looking at me, hand still frozen near the switch, and roaming her eyes over my newly exposed stomach as if she didn’t just spend the entire previous night licking her way up and down my abs.

“Clarke,” I called out to her, “are you going to join me or am I going to have no reason for taking off these sweatpants as well?”

She blinked and found my eyes again, smiling as she finally made her way over.

 

 

The water was indeed nicely warm, but it accentuated the coolness of the air on our bare shoulders. Clarke dove under a few times while I swam a lap and met me somewhere halfway. She grinned as she suddenly emerged in front of me, and I pushed her back against the edge of the pool.

“I brushed my teeth, you know,” I told her and silently wanted to slap myself because that must’ve been the worst opening sentence for anyone.

“Really?” she asked me teasingly with a grin before pulling me into a kiss. She sucked on my bottom lip, her tongue already peaking out slightly every time she latched on again. Our torso’s pressed together and the feeling of her curves had me floating in bliss. Her hands were circled around my waist while one of mine was braced on her lower back, the other on the crook of her neck. 

Kissing Clarke could never last long enough for me and I was quite unaware of how long we had been making out when she pulled me closer and pushed a thigh forward between my legs. It caused a breathy moan to make its way up to my lips, and I slightly pulled back.

“Clarke,” I warned her.

“Hm?”

“Not here. Not in Monty’s pool.” Because that just felt _wrong_.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied, half chuckling at her own feigned innocence. 

A few raindrops fell on top of our heads as an explanation for the morning’s grey sky. 

“We should go back inside,” I said, assuming the others would be up soon.

“I don’t know,” Clarke replied, her arms not loosening their hold on me. “I think it’s kind of romantic, kissing in the rain.”

Her response made me smile. “It kind of is, isn’t it?” I grinned, leaning back in to capture her lips once more in an intimate kiss. 

The backdoor opened, Raven and Octavia coming out of the cabin with a stack of bacon pancakes that they placed on the table on the backyard veranda. 

“Clarke and Lexa, swimming in a pool. K-I-S-S-I-N-G,” Octavia sang loudly, not even sparing us a glance.

“Really?” Clarke laughed at her. “That doesn’t even rhyme.”

 

* * *

 

The rain that started falling early in the morning didn’t stop throughout the day. We packed our bags and loaded everything into the cars before hugging Monty goodbye.

Lincoln and Anya took up their jobs as drivers again. Octavia claimed Clarke for the first half of the ride, pulling her into Lincoln’s car. Anya was her usual quiet self and Raven slept most of the way, still not completely recovered from her hangover and I couldn’t stop myself from yawning with the previous night’s tiredness as well, although for a completely different reason. 

“Do you still like her?” 

I frowned at Anya’s unexpected question over the low murmur of the radio. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You slept with Clarke. Do you still like her?” 

My frown intensified. Raven was still asleep and I wondered whether Anya would’ve had this conversation if she wasn’t.

“Of course I like her.”

Anya glanced at me through her rearview mirror, the corners of her mouth lifting slightly so her eyes squinted a bit with the odd smile.

“Good. That either means the sex was really great or that you actually care for her.”

I kicked the back of her seat, effectively drawing out a chuckle from her.

“Shut up, Anya. You know my feelings for Clarke are real.”

“I do. I was just wondering if you did as well.”

 

 

Halfway through our drive we stopped at a gas station. Clarke switched cars and bought us warm coffee as they filled up the tanks. 

“Here,” she said, handing me my cup, “I know you need it.” I didn’t miss the subtle quirk of her eyebrows and rolled my eyes, unable to keep the smile off my face and feeling a blush creep over my cheeks. 

That blush thing hadn’t happened before. And I think Clarke knew because she chuckled and pressed a kiss to my cheek.

 

 

We arrived back in our hometown and Lincoln’s car split up from us at some point, honking while Octavia violently waved out the window as they headed the other way towards their own homes.

Anya stopped by Clarke’s place first. I got out of the car as well, helping Clarke get her bags from the trunk. 

“Want me to wait?” Anya asked me.

I shrugged. “You guys can go, I’ll make my way home.”

 

I followed after Clarke with her bag slumped over my shoulder and my own in my other hand as she fumbled her key into the door. It finally creaked open and a surprising amount of mail littered the doorstep. 

We went into the living room and I placed her bag near the couch. My eyes once more fell onto the painting leaning against the wall. I asked her about it and she smiled as she spoke of the country of the landscape. Her eyes sparkled and I wondered if she would take me there sometime, or whether I could take her to places I knew and give her new sceneries to paint.

There was a short silence.

For a moment I wondered if perhaps she needed some space from me after this weekend. If perhaps, spending all that time together and sleeping with me was great and all - but now that we were back home she expected us to go back to the way we used to be. Friends, almost lovers, whatever went unspoken in the way I couldn’t stop myself from looking at her.

“Well,” I mumbled, “I should go.” 

She nodded silently and I placed a kiss on her cheek before moving towards the front door. I was about to leave when she grabbed my wrist. 

I turned around and found her eyes gleaming with all the things that took my doubts away, and she said, “No. Stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That moment when you start a fic really angsty and end up finishing it with a bunch of fluff - yup, that's it guys! I never intended to continue the fic for this long but I'm really glad I did. I didn't expect so much appreciation along the way, so you guys totally blew me away there, haha. 
> 
> I sincerely hope you all enjoyed it, and thank you so much for reading and for your support :)


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